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Sunday, May 1, 2011

Motherhood Unenchanted

Please forgive this post, I usually do not do this but if I do not get this out in some format I may implode.

I think the hardest and most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life is being a parent.  I wanted so much for my kids to have a much better life then I had with my parents growing up.  I always knew that parenthood would be challenging and most of the time rewarding, but I was not prepared what layed ahead once the kids became adults.  The boys are 5 years a part in age and so different, it is like night and day.

Our oldest was always difficult and preferred to be a alone.  We always heard "you never do anything for me!" and then in the next couple of minutes "Would you buy me such-n-such?"

I have heard I hate you so many times that after a while the words turned from hurtful to just words.

He never really got into a lot of trouble outside the home which we are very grateful.  Drugs and drinking have never been an issue.  As I said before our son has always been a loner and pretty much a shut-in, attached to his computer.  He surprised us all when he went in the Army National Guard and graduated with honors.  We knew that this would be a great turn in his life.  But when he returned from training he reverted back to his old ways.

Evenutally he got his own apartment.  For the past couple of years we provided him with transportation to and from drill or the grocery store, because he has never saw the need for a driver's License.

Last week I got the shock of my life.  When I had not heard from him for several days we became very worried, especially with all the storms in the area.  We called, texted and knocked on his door several times for a couple of days with no response.  At first we thought it was just him being him.  Because for days he wants nothing to do with us.  Friday I drove by his apartment with a friend and co-worker only to see the door opened and the apartment empty and being prepared for the next tenant. The maintenance man is the one who gave me the news that my son had moved a thousand miles away. He had talked with us about going to California to find more job opportunities the week prior. Not knowing he had already made up his mind and was on his way.

No goodbye, no nothng.  After many phone calls to numbers we found through his contacts on line he finally got in contact with me, only to say, "I didn't have time to say goodbye."  When I told him we were worried about him he said "and?" We love him so much but are terribly hurt.  Everyday I ask myself what I could have done different or better.

Will I give up on him?  Absolutely not! I will probably drive him crazy with text messages and leaving voice messages only to be left unanswered.  I wish him success in whatever he decides to do in his life and I hope that one day he will come around.

Life throws us many curves, I wish my mommy magical ball had not been lost, maybe I could have changed the outcome.


I apologize for the rant and the babble, but I do appreciate the outlet. Now on to more positive things.


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